


redeemer

by silverinerivers



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Fix-It of Sorts, Implied Sexual Content, Introspection, M/M, Mind Games, Moral Ambiguity, Psychoanalysis, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:49:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27677638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverinerivers/pseuds/silverinerivers
Summary: This time though, when he turns around, L is a little surprised by what he sees. Light’s eyes are no longer eager and fierce, fighting for a cause he cares strongly for. Instead, they are wide, washed-out ambers filled with horror. It is not over the loss of a lead, the way L felt when Higuchi fell, but over Higuchi himself.Light lets the Death Note plop onto the keys of the laptop, sinks back into his seat, andshakes.Light gets his hands back on the Death Note post Yotsuba, just as he had planned. The memories' effect on him, however, was unplanned. Of course, L notices.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 29
Kudos: 194
Collections: Heart Attack Exchange 2020





	redeemer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [asuralucier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/asuralucier/gifts).



“A Shinigami… so they really exist…” L murmurs aloud to himself.

He’s never discounted the idea. As with every absurd possibility, it needs thorough evidence to the contrary before he can even consider dismissing it altogether. Yes, it would certainly sound crazy to the average individual, but it is as much a stretch as how writing a mere name in a notebook can _kill_. As open as his mind is, however, it is quite something else to witness it under the spotlight with his own eyes, a creature that appears as if out of nowhere the second he touches the Death Note.

A Shinigami.

It’s definitely otherworldly, one cat-like eye showing beneath what looks to be bandage wraps of some sort, its body a mess of sharp protruding bones.

“Is this true, Ryuzaki? Let me touch it too!”

Light pokes his head out right next to L’s and snatches the notebook right out of his hands.

Figures. It’s expected that Light Yagami would be eager to see such an anomaly for himself, regardless of if he’s faking or not. They’ve ran through a great number of hypotheses relating to the case up until then, and the key to proving any of them lies in his hands, or did, until Light took it from him.

It is so fascinating, so incredibly fickle, that such an innocent looking notebook of all things could be purposed for mass murder. In addition, it can’t just be a one-off phenomenon. There must be at least two of these Death Notes for what Kira has been doing to be ultimately successful; having one isn’t enough. He needs to isolate this notebook first and then –

“AHHHHHHH!”

A bloodcurdling scream rips L away from his train of thought, because next to him, Light Yagami is crying bloody murder. It doesn’t shake L, but he does instinctively turn to see what could possibly wrangle this kind of reaction from Light. Hence, L glances over to see Light clutching onto the Death Note for dear life, eyes shot and glazed over, as if he’s stuck in a petrifying trance.

“Are you okay…? Anyone would be surprised by a monster like that…” L trails off.

How peculiar, Light doesn’t seem to pay him any attention, as if he’s not even there. Instead, he looks still spaced out into – what exactly? With his eyes, L traces and follows Light’s line of sight.

No, Light wasn’t actually spacing out into the Shinigami, who was standing still upright on L’s side, not Light’s. He must be somewhere else entirely, his hands gripping so tight onto the notebook that even under the dim lighting in the helicopter, L can see them whitening. His face too is pale, his lips frozen, a slight quiver along the edges.

Light looks ghastly for a very long inexplicable moment and then it all settles into something else that L can’t put his finger on.

“Writing someone’s name in this kills them…? Can you believe that?”

His voice is shaky, but it isn’t in disbelief. If anything, L would characterize it as barely disguised disgust, a vein of horror coursing right through it. It isn’t at all the way Light would normally speak to him, all logical deductions and run-on supposed truths. Light is no Kira sympathizer, at least not outwardly, and he is perfectly entitled to his emotional response in relation to the case. Kira is a contentious topic; anyone would have thoughts on the matter. But by now, Light should be a professional at it, being able to separate between fact and emotion to get the most productive result out of his mind.

He does a poor job of it here, dazed at the notebook still in his grasp.

“Huh? It is hard to believe, but…” L replies softly, biting his lip.

It is, in fact, not hard to believe at all, certainly not warranting that kind of scream, not when they’ve theorized most of this all along. The Shinigami’s existence proves the supernatural, which is good for building their case. He would have accepted a scream or an _oh god,_ perhaps even two. Not – whatever this was.

Besides, the angles didn’t add up. It’s his firm belief that it was not the Shinigami that led to Light’s reaction, his mannerisms shifting yet again like a chameleon. It reminds L of the time Light was still in captivity, calm and biding his time when all of a sudden, he was yelling at L to release him, emotions set ablaze.

Could it be, that touching the notebook has changed Light Yagami yet again?

That sounds impossible, unbelievable. Then again, most of this case has been unbelievable. To L, it makes the chase all the more worthwhile. That is to say, L is far more fascinated with the outcome of tonight’s course of events than frightened or appalled or whatever headspace Light was in. There are elements to it that no other case could replicate, legal and moral boundaries that L would have been fine crossing if he was alone but …

For now, he’s fairly sure he could only be held to conjectures and would have to eliminate the other potential truths another way.

Even so, it does not hurt to try.

“We can’t exactly test it…right?” L muses aloud. “Right, Yagami-san…?”

“Of course not, Ryuzaki!”

He had expected that response, but there was always a slim possibility there to exploit. L knows to take his shots when there are no obvious consequences or potential blowbacks to him.

He did not get where he is today without taking these simple risks, which is why he puts a pin in the thought of testing the notebook as opposed to tossing it out altogether.

First, they will take care of Higuchi, and then fully examine the notebook, perhaps interrogate the Shinigami. He also wants to ask Light a few more questions, poke at his abnormal behaviour tonight. Light hasn’t said much after he came into contact with the notebook, instead, pouring over the names scrawled in it, cross referencing it with names on the laptop. His brows are furrowed in a way that L’s never seen before, his expression torn when L has always known Light to be decisive, absolute.

Because if Light Yagami is Kira, he is far too smart to make mistakes here. He would not dare to write a name in broad daylight on the Death Note where L can see him, Kira or not.

So, when Higuchi falls over dead, Light still holding onto the notebook with no pen in sight, L knows he must have missed something.

The whole time, Light has yet to turn fully in his direction, and L’s stolen glances have been subtle but ineffective, only shaky side profiles that don’t discern enough of a plausible working hypothesis, much less conclusion.

Not that it should matter. Light Yagami has many faces, but one that he has never shown was a face holding any resemblance of guilt.

This time though, when he turns around, L is a little surprised by what he sees. Light’s eyes are no longer eager and fierce, fighting for a cause he cares strongly for. Instead, they are wide, washed-out ambers filled with horror. It is not over the loss of a lead, the way L felt when Higuchi fell, but over Higuchi himself.

Light lets the Death Note plop onto the keys of the laptop, sinks back into his seat, and _shakes._

* * *

It was all planned. That is the only logical conclusion.

For Light Yagami to be Kira, he had to be incredibly conniving, with an excellent poker face and backups for every possible scenario that could unfold. He has proven extremely capable of that over the course of L knowing him. It is not at all out of the realm of possibility for him to have planned to somehow get his hands on the Death Note and kill Higuchi in one fell swoop.

The notebook is now in their custody, but L somehow feels as if Kira has one over them, because if this was all planned, this part must be too.

L lies awake in his bed, eyes stuck to the ceiling and his mind echoing with the sound of Light’s scream.

In a word, it was haunting, because it had _kept going_.

It may be the genuine thing he’s ever felt from Light Yagami, something utterly and unmistakably human. It may be the only thing that wasn’t planned by Kira, the only thing that went awry.

L shuts his eyes to focus, to move on and think about next steps. What shall he do with the Shinigami, with the Death Note? His mind does not obey him, the scream looping over and over, impossible to forget.

To L, it is the ticking countdown to his own death. He’s 98% certain of it.

Because if Light Yagami had killed Higuchi right before L’s eyes, how did he do it? Why did he choose then to be so daring if he could have done it all along? And why did he seem so distraught by the aftermath of his death?

Kira has a god complex and his cruelties are planned and executed. Kira does not regret.

But Light Yagami _is_ Kira, and no one could ever convince L otherwise, so -

The change in personality, the gaps in memory, how genuine Light had felt to him in the aftermath of them being chained together, working together side by side. Light and Kira are two different beings, that much L is sure. Thus, if Light chose to act then, it is either because the situation was beneficial for Kira, or because Light didn’t remember _how._ If the latter was true as L suspects, there must have been a trigger for him to remember.

The Shinigami, the appearance of the Death Note itself, the timing of it all colliding, Light’s scream -

Light Yagami has an excellent poker face, but there are some tells the body cannot hide, reflexes that cannot be suppressed, a physiological response to the Death Note in his hands.

When Light Yagami had snatched the Death Note from him, he had sunk into his chair and held onto that Death Note like it was his life force. If he is indeed Kira, then it truly serves to be exactly that.

Because he knew once again that he was Kira. Because he planned to use the Death Note to prove his innocence to the task force somehow, since in this world, credibility now apparently hinges on killer notebooks. Because his memories came back when he touched the Death Note and he couldn’t, what, handle it all of a sudden?

As if Kira grew a conscience?

No, he went ahead and killed Higuchi anyway, with what looked like honest regret in the aftermath.

Honest _anything_ must be ruled out. If Kira could fake innocence in those compelling hazel eyes, he could also fake horror.

But it had felt real.

Something isn’t right here. He must be reading too much into facial expressions, too obsessed with Light’s genius and the possibility that he may have made a wrong move, a mistake.

L turns onto his side, a strange ache arising from the ridiculous thoughts, as if Light Yagami was more than just his prime suspect and pseudo friend.

Nothing between them was ever real. It began as a battle, to see who could best the other, lies hidden between smidgens of truth. Light had challenged him, elevated his thinking a few notches and then some. He had made L feel alive, like they were both circling the drain and the most thrilling thing to do in that situation would be to bet their lives for a worthy opponent.

L chases justice at the same rate he chases truth, but for the Kira case, he chases Light Yagami tangentially too. He has to, before he gets caught first.

To hinge a twist in hypothesis on a gut feeling isn’t the craziest thing he’s ever done. To do so while he has a sick attachment to the person at hand, however, could be.

Light Yagami is and will likely remain his prime suspect for Kira until the sky crashes down and the earth opens up to swallow them all whole. Except this whole thing sucks because Light Yagami continues to challenge him by throwing wrenches in his thinking. It’s fun but it’s also frustrating to all hell.

If indeed this was all planned out from the start, then what did Light get out of it? L got a Death Note in his possession, one he could use to test out a number of rules. He got to verify the existence of Shinigamis, and he got to verify that Kira was still out there, watching them as Higuchi died. And Light got his memories as Kira back in addition to clearing the evidence against him and Misa Amane, some ace up his sleeve probably with whatever this new set of evidence brings to the table.

It didn’t feel like a fair trade, because Light would know that just because L is letting them go, doesn’t mean he has dropped the case against them.

That, he’s made clear from the very start.

What he got back in return must have been more than enough to compensate for what he had to give up, a slew of information that L knows already not to take at face value nor trust.

If it was all planned, then that leaves the missing piece, whatever that managed to change Light in another not so subtle way.

A change of heart.

He squeezes his eyes shut again. Fake, fake, it could all just be fake. It doesn’t matter if Light Yagami was Kira, forgot he was Kira, and then looked like the most innocent victim in all of Japan. It does not change the fact that he _was_ Kira. Even if he did indeed regret his actions, whether or not that was real or just pretense to throw L off his game, it doesn’t, _shouldn’t_ change the outcome.

What he feels towards his only friend cannot change that.

He should focus on more important things, prepare for the eventuality that his days are numbered. The death march has always been looming over him, thin sand filtering down in the hourglass as he and Kira dance around each other. The case keeps building in complexity, layer after layer, a mountain of information - some true, some false, some an unruly mix.

L knows that day is coming, when they inevitably clash and push the other out of the box at knifepoint, carving a fatal wound.

They drew first blood long ago, and even as the clock ticks, L vows he won’t let this end so easily. No matter who wins or who loses, isn’t that part of the thrill?

Not that he is going to lose.

Either way, L isn’t sure if anything else would ever compare, the highs and the lows and the utter exhilarating reality that someone can compete with him head to head like this.

He wants to win. He has to win.

But now that he feels a step closer, perhaps artificially so, he realizes he also doesn’t want it to end.

In the pitch black of his room, L gently circles and massages the inside of his wrist, the one that has spent so long cuffed to Light Yagami. In the end, a promise is a promise, and L had unhooked Light from himself, the handcuffs tossed aside. So now, he gets to sleep alone for the first time in a long time and yet, his chest feels oddly hollow. His wrist aches like a phantom limb, naked and unattached to the other body that used to lay next to him, warm and breathing and alive.

It took some getting used to at first when they were first chained together, but now that Light was gone, L has to admit he misses it, the dip of weight on the other side of the bed, the occasional tug on his arm when Light turns in his sleep.

Light too, had frowned at his wrist when L had released him. He had rubbed over it with his thumb a couple of times, smearing empty space, as if examining it or wiping it clean. That frown had deepened when he embraced Misa, had remained plastered on his face when he left the complex without L in tow for the first time in weeks.

L falls asleep to the following thought: for a man supposedly cleared of suspicions, he did not look at all happy to be set free.

* * *

The next day, Light comes back as promised to work on the case. He strides in by himself of his own accord as a (mostly) free man. He looks somewhat uncomfortable in his own skin even as he takes a seat next to L.

L’s first thought is that perhaps Light had a bad night sleeping alone, and then scoffs at the notion. Regardless, there’s the faint outline of eyebags obvious to L’s practiced eyes, and L gets the sense that he isn’t wholly there, as if his soul is somewhere else.

“So, what’s the next step?” Light asks him, softer than usual.

“You mean, now that you and Misa-san are in the clear?” L replies casually, not even bothering to look at him.

A heavy sigh, and then, Light grabs onto the bait.

“You don’t sound like you believe we are in the clear.”

Of course he doesn’t. They both know it. It should have been an easy statement for both of them to accept, though perhaps not the rest of the force.

Yet, Light sounds uncertain, held back.

L realizes just then that he could drown in that voice, a sea of conflict, something that he has never sensed in Light after all this time. Light Yagami is a great many things, all of which L has never been 100% certain of – his idealism, his psychopathy, even his genius. But the one thing that has always remained a constant is Light’s surety in himself in all those scenarios, how he plans ten steps ahead with every possible detour. Light is a troubled perfectionist, first and foremost, and he doesn’t do doubt, much less perceived vulnerability.

If it is just another trick, it’s a flimsy one. Even if Light could make himself sound like the most unfortunate victim in the world, play towards the thin sliver of L’s empathy, there are better ways to do it, to craft a leash that directs L to where Light wants him to go.

By now though, it’s almost pointless because L is almost certain to follow. He’s always been a big believer that the way to understand a criminal is to put himself in their shoes, to see why they believe they are the hero in their story.

For Kira, the appeal has been obvious to L from the start, but L keeps going – drawn in despite himself, at this point more so by Light than Kira.

Never has he ever thought Light Yagami would ever be capable of redemption, having gone so past that line from the moment they met that L became more fascinated by the how than the why.

It strikes him by surprise, that his brain could be entertaining such a useless thought now, all because Light Yagami’s voice had wavered. It’s a damn good thing he thinks fast.

“No one is 100% in the clear, not until we apprehend the real Kira.” L replies blankly, collecting himself. 

“Of course.”

Light delivers a slice of derision, politely sheathed in smoke. That’s more like it.

“Then, what is next is we find Kira.”

Light Yagami is still here because he wants to be a part of the investigation to catch Kira, but the irony has always laid in the fact that he _is_ Kira. As profiled, this is exactly what L would expect. To inject himself into the conversation, to lead L astray, or exactly where he wants him to be.

But while Light’s brain has been quite useful to the investigation to this point, today turns out to not be one of those days.

* * *

The Shinigami’s name is Rem, and it answers L’s questions with bare bone responses, noticeably uninterested in human affairs.

“No, I didn’t kill Higuchi and I don’t know why he died.”

It doesn’t matter how many times they ask a variation of the question; Rem always answers along the same lines.

The Death Note is confirmed to not be from this world, its rules dictated by the realm of the Shinigami. It is both a blessing and a curse that they have the death weapon in their possession, because it is evidence that proves their case, but also evidence they cannot test nor destroy in good conscience.

Well, L would like to test it, because theories only remain theories for one reason and one reason alone. Controversial as it may be, it is well within his power although not jurisdiction to see it through without the rest of the task force stopping him.

Perhaps not Light, though L suspects with about 80% probability he’d initially say he’s firmly against it, but then tack on a few reasons as to why this could be an exception.

“If there were other notebooks, would they all have the same rules?” L questions Rem.

He steals a glance to his right, no reaction.

Rem answers: “Yes, the rules are all the same.”

“Are all the rules truthful?”

A shiver up his neck, a barely perceptible shift.

“They are.”

A slight hiccup of hesitation.

Shinigamis are otherworldly creatures, bound to rules they aren’t, do not know of, and probably will never be privy to.

“If you are doubting the rules, are you also doubting the Shinigami?” Matsuda cuts in.

What a waste of a question.

The rules and the answers to these questions are what set Light and Misa free, the crown jewel of this planned gimmick. The task force was all too glad to let them go, buying into the idea that L was focusing so much on them that he does not fully consider the weight of the new evidence.

They aren’t objective, not like L is, not seeing how convenient the rules are, too eager to jump onto the next shiny new thing.

(Objective – of course – is subjective here.)

That is to say, _of course L would doubt the Shinigami._

It is not impossible that Kira and the second Kira are not Light Yagami and Misa Amane respectively. After all, Higuchi was confirmed to be a Kira, a Death Note in his possession, and they had enough evidence to put him away for life before his untimely demise.

But Higuchi was definitely not the original Kira, not nearly smart enough to pull even a fraction of Kira’s chess moves the way Light could, deliberately and without pause.

When L had flaunted the potential of Light to become the successor to the L name, he really meant it. Light is smart enough to act as Kira, and that makes him smart enough to act as L.

It always circles back to this anyway, that L would bet his everything on the fact that Light Yagami was Kira. It hasn’t been proven beyond a reasonable doubt that he indeed was _not_ Kira, so to L, that was a sure a sign as any to not let it go. Of course, no father would want to doubt his son, and of course his methods were unorthodox and bordering on inhumane. However, they get the job done, they get him more data points, more facts.

The missing gaps, the roadblocks in his path, they’re there because of the Shinigami, the notebook and the rules. If it was all planned, that giving them these new clues could do more harm than good, then L has to applaud Light for his forward thinking. Light, who is being awfully quiet in the room right now.

“Is there a reason to trust the Shinigami, Matsuda?”

“Well, what good would it do for Rem to lie? They’re death _gods._ Why would they care about the affairs down on Earth?”

L hums, takes a sip of his tea, plops it down back down, and throws in a few more sugar cubes in for good measure.

“I know as much as you do Matsuda, which is to say, very little. That is no reason to trust a stranger.”

That should have been enough, except –

“Rem-san, why are you here?” Light cuts in.

Oh. Making his move. This he wants to hear.

The Shinigami’s expression does not change, thick lips opening once more to answer their questions like an obedient puppet they cannot control.

“Because you have my Death Note in your possession.”

“So, if we gave it back to you, you’d leave, and take it with you back to wherever you came from.” Light continues.

Huh.

“But we wouldn’t give this up, it’s evidence!” Aizawa cries out.

“Hypothetical.” Light shakes it off, sounding more like himself. “Answer me Rem.”

Rem pauses for a moment.

It is maybe the length of a heartbeat, the length of time it takes for a person to die. It is enough time that L gains hope in the shape of the Light Yagami he worked with side by side, handcuffed to chase after his own alter-ego. It is enough time that L realizes his mistake in following that trail of thought because he simultaneously wants to and cannot let it go.

“Yes, I am here for the notebook. If it comes back into my possession, I will have no need to be here any longer.” She says monotonously.

Light turns to him, his lip stretched even thinner.

“Ryuzaki. If there wasn’t another notebook…”

Light trails off.

He rarely trails off, leaving a thought unfinished.

“Not just another, but there could be many more. Getting rid of one does not solve our problems, Yagami-kun.” L says, shoving his earlier idiotic ruminations somewhere far away.

“I am well aware of that Ryuzaki. I was just hypothesizing, that in a perfect world – that we could end this now, ridding the world’s most unique murder weapon.”

L tightens his face, makes a small tsk sound to himself.

“Yagami-kun, in a perfect world, there would be no Death Notes and no Kira, no need for someone like me to find criminals like him because his vision would have existed from the start.” L says evenly, and when he looks up harshly to meet Light’s gaze, he sees that the other has already turned away.

“Not that I wish unemployment upon you Ryuzaki, but wouldn’t that be a better outcome?” Light argues back.

“You’re beginning to sound like a Kira sympathizer Yagami-kun.” L murmurs.

“You mean to say I sound like Kira.”

“No, not right now, because Kira wouldn’t be making pointless hypotheses about an ideal world by saying we can close the case without arresting Kira at all.”

If not for the second Kira, the definitive truth that another Death Note exists, that more Shinigamis and more notebooks could cause future problems for Japan and the world, it may have even been an acceptable loss for the police department.

But not for L. No, he needs to confirm that Light Yagami is Kira. For his peace of mind, his ego, his goddamn sanity.

The rest of his conflicting emotions be damned.

For his prime suspect however to even suggest that they could end it, could this cursed genius of a man have had a change of heart after all?

During his confinement, when they were tied together, L had seen that different side of Light Yagami that he was impressed by. He saw that Light was quick on his feet and the extent of his intelligence. He saw a crusader for justice disguised so well that L fell for it, fell for him as an idea, an image of what Light could be.

As one of the good guys, as a friend.

If that Light Yagami was now gone, Kira disguised in his place, asking nonsensical questions that don’t fit the profile of a man playing god, then should L be mourning that loss?

Light stands up, and finally looks at him.

No, that Light Yagami was not dead, L concludes, because he sees a part of him shining through here, big bright eyes and a sense of renewal. He is passionate, defensive, more emotions than logic on the surface.

“You think you know Kira so well, don’t you Ryuzaki. Then why haven’t you caught him yet? Oh, because you’re still convinced it’s me.” Light barks out, an undercurrent of irritation that is characteristic of, well, anyone who’d be in his shoes probably.

That L will give to him; not everything can be psychoanalyzed to a T.

“Yes, I haven’t been trying to hide it. I want you to be Kira. If not you, then perhaps Kira wins.” L admits, scooching just a tiny bit closer into himself.

“I’m sorry?” Light’s voice changes, a semi-tone higher.

“About what?”

Light blinks at him, flabbergasted, and L thinks for a fraction of a brain wave that he’s going to get punched, only this time with no handcuff between them to hinder the movement or knockback.

“It was a figure of speech Ryuzaki. I meant the part about Kira winning. You are saying that if I’m not Kira, then Kira wins? The possibility of any other suspect is so remote that you would consider this your loss? Are you … back to freaking moping again?” Light sounds incredulous, and L wants to laugh.

L notices then that the rest of the task force has gone eerily silent.

But of course, it was never about them as a team. It will always be about L facing off against Light in broad daylight, Kira in disguise. That’s how it began, and that is how it will end.

“I am not moping, Yagami-kun. Just sticking to my guns.”

Light doesn’t look like he believes him, but he lets it drop, uncharacteristic yet again. The task force moves on, continues to interrogate Rem the Shinigami to no avail, but the air is tense from the conversation left stranded.

When they pack up for the day, Light stays behind after waving off his father, and L doesn’t question it.

* * *

Light Yagami does not sit down. His height objectively towers over L, who has not moved from being curled up in his chair all day. However, the innate power differential of the situation lies somewhere else entirely.

Because Light is the one who is here after hours with apparently something more to prove.

“You’ve never told me what you thought of Kira.” Light says, shuffling towards L’s right-hand side, leaning casually against the edge of the desk.

Huh.

“All I’ve done since we met is talk about Kira, Yagami-kun.” L answers briskly.

He leans forward in his chair, hinging from his toes, because it’s technically after-hours now and there is a slice of cake still waiting for him.

“That’s not what I asked Ryuzaki. You’ve said it’s your job to capture him, that he’s done wrong to society at large. You haven’t said your personal opinion.”

His personal opinion has changed as the case went on. Today, it goes something like this: that the power to kill a person with only their name is an alluring one, one that he does not blame Kira for being unable to resist being curious about. L doesn’t know if he would even be able to resist, because as much as his job is to uphold justice, he too is a flawed man, only human.

It’s no excuse, however, never has been. Temptation is human, but what is madness is meticulously orchestrating Kira’s reign, for a mere mortal to fall so deep that they could trick themselves into thinking the world has inversed just so that they could ascend to become a god.

“Because it doesn’t matter. Kira’s a criminal that needs to be caught. My personal opinion does not matter.” L replies evenly, not even bothering to meet Light’s gaze.

He can imagine it, darkened, focused, perhaps even a hint of being real. Then, just to get rid of the image, L stabs the tip of the cake slice, pulls it apart from the rest, pops it in his mouth.

“This isn’t about the case Ryuzaki, I’m just asking you.” Light sighs.

That sigh wraps itself around Ryuzaki’s body, skin-tight, a sore replacement for what he misses and not quite what he craves. Regardless, it will not inhibit him from doing his job.

“It isn’t like Yagami-kun to ask pointless questions when we’re on a case.” He shoots back.

“We’ve only ever worked one case, this one, and I – we’re friends, aren’t we? We were chained to each other. You know how I think, how I eat, how I sleep. And I don’t care about any of that for you as much as I care about what you think about Kira.”

It is the evenness of Light’s voice, the fiery spark of curiosity, a drop of a guilt-trip, all bundled together. It is enticing, it is personal, it is textbook, and it is not going to work because two can play at this game.

“I also know how you look naked.” L huffs, finally turning his head to look up at Light.

“If you’re trying to distract me, it isn’t working. And I thought we said we wouldn’t look.” Light retorts without missing a beat. He sounds impatient, weary, not at all embarrassed, even as he rolls his eyes.

Typical.

“Fine. You want me to say that on some level, I agree with what Kira is doing. I just can’t reconcile it with my job, my duty.” L answers.

He digs in for another piece, a perfect mix of cake to cream to strawberries all the way down. It’s tasty as always, the sugar melting all over his tongue and rushing straight to his brain.

“I want you to be truthful about it. You said that you were justice. Justice isn’t the law; you must see that.” Light argues back.

“But that is as useful a statement as saying the world would be better off with a benevolent dictator. It is true that better things will come together faster without bureaucracy, if one person could rule over everything with a fair, stern fist. But there is no such thing as a benevolent dictator; that person would just be a wannabe god fooling themselves.” L states flatly, a direct jab at Kira, at Light.

That’s the way the world has always worked. Idealists don’t survive very well when they realize this, Light must know this as well as he.

Light’s voice sinks into a deep somber tone when he talks back.

“It hurts you, doesn’t it? Having an opinion over this, because you’re in a position where your opinion doesn’t matter, despite how powerful you are.”

L spins his chair around this time as opposed to just his neck, deciding to leave his cake abandoned for just a moment. Dusty hazel eyes greet L, hands balled up in fists on his sides, wrinkles alongside his trousers.

“Are you talking to me, or to yourself?”

Light doesn’t break their eye contact, if anything, his irises twist a shade darker.

“What if I said both?”

“I’d say you’re a liar. I’d say, Kira is not the type of person to have an opinion and not use his power to carry through his agenda.” L states, his toes feeling oddly cold and exposed.

“And I’d say I’m not Kira. But you wouldn’t believe me, would you.”

A statement right back, unfeeling, resigned.

“No, Light-kun, I wouldn’t.” L says softly, because if all Light wants is for L to see him, then he can do that.

He sees Light, loud and clear.

Light closes his eyes, inhales – lungs deep.

“If there was no one to hold you back, you’d use the Death Note too. To test it.” He breathes out.

Nothing is quite a question here anymore. It doesn’t need to be, because out of every person he’s every known, investigated, had a peripheral connection to, it is only Light Yagami that is arrogant enough and rightfully so to assume exactly what L is thinking.

“If it gets the job done, I have no qualms about it. But this isn’t a test of my morality. Did you want it to be one on yours?” L retorts.

“The magnitude of it … its capacity to create change, how the death note is simultaneously judge, jury, and executioner. I’d want to know if that kind of power is real too, with my own eyes.”

Because that’s the only way to prove it’s real, the only way for L to trust and turn a conjecture into fact. Saying he’d use it to test out the truth of the matter however is very different from what Kira does with the weapon – was Light trying to insinuate he too is capable of becoming Kira?

“With absolute power comes absolute corruption. I do not believe this is a tool fit for human use.” L murmurs in response.

“But you are fascinated by it, for more reasons than it being your job. Because it is powerful, and alien, and you think you could possibly be worthy of it.” Light sneers, a harder line to his tone,

And then Light leans in, bending down to close the gap between them. He places one hand on L’s armrest, the other along the table, and frames L’s body with lights dancing in his eyes. It is as if he is simultaneously taunting and praising L at the same time, pushing at something foreign and uneasy.

It gives rise to something electrifying within L, tense and insubordinate.

“Light-kun, if you wish to seduce me, using the Death Note as your vehicle to do so is not my preferred course of action.” L says, attempting to keep his voice steady.

Because like most things, L had expected this.

He had expected Light to use their 24/7 surveillance to get closer to L the person and not L the detective. He had figured Light would see through his eccentric quirks and his stringent beliefs and methodologies to see that L was not actually a robot. He just had the appearance of one sometimes because his job made him a floater, unable to form human attachments easily. Plus, most people found him an asshole because they couldn’t _understand him._

From the very moment L admitted their similarities, how he considered Light a friend, L knew it would eventually be used against him.

He had been prepared for it, for Light to show his hand, to make his move in an effort to cloud L’s judgment and to say it was just because they were such kindred spirits or something equally sappy or awful. It would serve as a smokescreen they’d both see through. But perhaps in a moment of desperation, Light would bank on the fact that if L could consider Light his friend despite suspecting him of being a mass murderer, that he wouldn’t mind fucking around with him too and giving him enough lenience to make a difference, to let his guard down.

It’s a game, one that L is perfectly happy to play because personal ties would never have any bearing on his final verdict – emotional or physical. Yes, Light Yagami is attractive, with desirable features and a brilliant mind. L wouldn’t be opposed if he did get propositioned in that way, though he also swore that if it ever did happen, he’d lose a little bit of respect for Kira for snooping so low.

Light blinks down at him, still frozen in place, hesitating.

“What is it, Kira-kun?” L says.

L knows that romance and sex are one of the top motives when it comes to crime. It fuels human actions like nothing else, tantalizing and obsessive, powerful yet draining. Up until then, L doesn’t think he’s ever related to the emotion, but he knows not to underestimate it. It would have been intriguing, perhaps even riveting, to be on the other end of this kind of attention, but for Light to back off now …

As a detective, being patient is a must. However, right now, L feels unnaturally fed up. They’ve been at this stalemate for a long time, and it is no time now to back off, not when he’s on the cusp of learning something new.

Light does not dive in; he does not back down. His eyes are round but piercing all the same, sharp-cornered, and he accepts L’s challenge slowly.

“Ryuzaki. You want me to be Kira, we both know that. What else do you want from me?”

L blinks back. What an idiotic question.

What does he expect, for L to answer his dick or something? He has more tact than that, and he isn’t the one driving them down that particular path in the first place.

“A confession.”

Light, the stupid genius that he is, doesn’t break their eye contact, keeps at it as if he can find some great secret buried beneath. L doesn’t know why, because he’s been told a great many times that his eyes are like a black hole, a deep vortex with nothing inside, or perhaps too much that if one was to be dragged in, they’d never be able to climb back out.

L thinks Light wouldn’t so much mind the second option.

“But I’m _not_ Kira.”

He doesn’t see what the point of this is, a staring contest with a guaranteed outcome, the same argument time and time again.

“You weren’t, perhaps for a little while, but you are now. Kira 2.0 I’d say. A mix between the old and the new Light Yagami.” L says, pursing his lips.

There’s no remnant of sugar left in his mouth. That won’t do. L hums in discontent, leans over the armrest to go after the cake again, still only half-eaten.

His attempt is thwarted by a hard pull by Light, the chair squeaking as it twists back to face him.

“If you’re convinced that I was Kira so badly, why don’t you just arrest me? Oh, that’s right, because you don’t have the evidence, just like last time.” He bites out.

Light’s gotten close, dangerously close. His irises are so dark that they almost look black. He doesn’t look angry so much as daring, prodding and taunting L, not letting him get away, saying _your move._

“My opinion remains only an opinion until evidence makes it a fact. I will find it.”

“And then what, what will you do with me? When you get your so-called evidence?”

There is a layer of something being held back in the tenor of his voice, lonely, regretful, and L will not fall for it.

“Whatever justice calls for, Light-kun.” He murmurs, velvety light.

Light does not back down, presses on with whatever he’s planning. Right now, before L, he no longer looks unsure. He looks as if he’s torn in between two realms, two truths, and L is the one to cast the deciding vote.

“You say you are justice, right? So, what do _you_ say?”

It’s tempting, but L isn’t quite ready to give in yet. He licks his lips, slow and deliberate.

“Who’s asking? Light Yagami 1.0? 2.0?” L pauses, admiring the low burning flame in the other man’s eyes. “Kira?”

A ghost of a whisper, too much and too little all at once.

“Whomever you want it to be.”

Light leans down just a little further, so little space between them at that point that when his forehead hits L’s that it only registers as a slight tap.

Yet it feels like an earthquake beneath the wheels of his chair, opening a crack into a new underground reality.

L knows who it is before him, even if he’s wavering on the edges, trying to claw a way out. It does not make a difference, not at this point.

But there’s no way to reverse the clock, the events of the past, the lives taken, and the lives distorted beyond belief. The Death Note has touched an entire society and left its dark, insidious mark on each of them, L included.

No, they can’t turn back time, but they can pretend, slow it down for a while.

L closes his eyes and wills his body to go slack. His head is slanted back ever so slightly, his back partially tilting past the back of the chair.

Foreheads still touching, Light angles his head down, heated breath all over L’s face, and kisses him.

* * *

That night, L sleeps with that kiss imprinted in his memory.

There are a lot of things he’s profiled before and gotten dead accurate because he’s made it somewhat of an art. If he took the time to understand a suspect so thoroughly, he’d scarcely ever get it wrong. So, since taking on this case, L’s gotten a lot of Kira down pat, even if Light Yagami hasn’t been officially concluded as the first Kira, L knows he checks all the boxes: his whereabouts, intellect, access to police data.

However, how Kira would kiss has never quite made it to the list. It just isn’t a helpful trait to chase down a serial killer, as interesting as the idea is.

It does not mean that L has never imagined it. It, of course, wasn’t the first thing on his mind when Light weaved his way into L’s investigation, into his life. But he admits that he first gave it serious thought when Light emerged as his prime suspect, enticed by how quickly he thought on his feet, how easily he played with others’ planes of thinking, his unflinching genius. After all, romantic attraction is both the physical and the emotional, and as suspicious as Light’s character was, it was also undoubtedly one of a kind.

L figured he’d try to be charming when it came to kissing, attentive but not too forceful on account of his façade of being a gentleman. Out of many things though, being a pathological liar being the forefront of this, Light Yagami is surprisingly awful at romance. It is only to his full benefit that Misa Amane is too lovestruck by him to realize just how awful Light was at feigning affection for her.

It figures. Misa has nothing to offer him apart from her abilities as another Kira, coupled by her overall infatuation and utter obedience to do as he commands. Personality wise, they were never going to be a good match, because Light would be bored by women like her, by _people like her._ It’s painfully obvious to L, even without being a trained detective and all.

Light is not a charming kisser. He is not a good kisser. He does not try to make it more than it is, which is to say, a frustratingly brief press of lips against lips and a small exhale into L’s mouth when he pulls away, eyes blown with disbelief.

“Ryuzaki – ” He had started to say, and then clapped his mouth shut, shockingly speechless at his own actions. That didn’t match the profile either, because Kira always thought through his every action, never acted impulsively.

“Anything else?” L had shot back, taking care to keep his expression carefully blank. There was a 50% chance that he’d leave, a 50% chance that he’d dive in harder.

Light had chosen to leave. It was not quite stomping away, but it was also not graceful. While L had foreseen where that whole encounter was going, he didn’t know what the _point was._ It isn’t as if a kiss will cause L to consider exonerating him, as thrilling as it was, as if getting Light to make that move was a victory in itself, a pseudo-confession.

They both are stubborn to all hell, so evidently, this was not going to play out well.

It doesn’t change things the next day, or the day after. He gets a few more morality-tilted questions from Light, who refuses to meet his gaze after that day, the most childish thing he’s ever done in L’s presence frankly. This must be why he can’t even pretend to date Misa properly, having clearly never been in a mature relationship in his life.

Well, neither has L, but he knows when to air out his personal problems and when to run away from them. He’s never been ashamed or cared about this kind of thing, since it resides so low on the rungs of his ladder named ‘important things to actually use his brain towards’. Not to say that L doesn’t know how this usually goes, jilted lovers and awkward encounters.

L doesn’t find it awkward at all though; he just doesn’t care enough to bother with it at this exact moment. Besides, if Light is distressed, it may increase the odds of him slipping by a fraction of a percent, 0.3% probably. He is after all, also only human. It’s wearing down on him, whatever touching the Death Note did to his psyche, and all L has to do is to be patient about it and watch it unfold.

It takes a week, and then Kira starts killing again with their notebook still locked away, Rem floating close by.

* * *

“Not this again. How many times do I have to tell you that I’m. Not. Kira?!” Light screeches. His chair is turned towards L, but L’s still angled towards the monitors, chewing on a large bite of strawberry shortcake as his late-night snack.

“And how many times do I have to tell you that you saying so won’t convince me otherwise?” L retorts, swallowing down the sweet spongy cake, this slice lacking a no fewer than two more strawberry chunks in his humble opinion.

“If you are so convinced, I’m sure you could bend the rules again and just imprison me. It won’t stop the current Kira killings, and you’d be forced to admit you were wrong, again. So why are you being so stubborn on this Ryuzaki? Stuck on me when you can’t do a damn thing about it?” Light hisses.

“Is it about catching Kira? Or is it about catching _me?_ ”

Light’s becoming unhinged, indignant, egoistic.

Good.

“The evidence is quite cogent, yes, but imprisoning you won’t help. As you say, it won’t help matters if the Kira killings do not stop. I want to catch Kira, but I also want Kira’s actions to end. One does not automatically ensure the other. There is certainly another notebook out there, and while I am not entirely convinced we could ever prevent more Shinigamis from dropping these weapons onto our planet, we simply do not know enough to tell right now. Rem may not be on Kira’s side, but it is certainly not on ours either.” L lists, licking the left corner of his mouth free of whipped cream.

“You care about the weapon.” Light says, a sense of realization dawning upon him.

“Surprised it took Light-kun so long to tell. I need to know the rules of the Death Note. It doesn’t matter to stop one Kira if two will spawn in their place.” L pauses and decides to push his luck. It is a slim chance, but he could perhaps break through the cracks of Light Yagami 2.0.

“If you tell me truthfully how it all works, I will try to lessen your sentence.”

Expectantly, Light scoffs at the proposition.

“No, you won’t, and you’d never make such a deal with the person you suspect to be Kira. So, what, you’ve grown soft for me?”

“You aren’t denying the fact that you’re Kira.” L shoots back, ignoring the strange panging feeling in his chest at the word _soft_ because he doesn’t grow soft for anyone. It’s really not part of the job description, and definitely not a part of his personality. He scarcely knows what that word means.

“What’s the point if you won’t _believe me_? Do you want me to chain myself to you again? Do you get off on that?” Light seethes, yanking the back of L’s chair hard enough to spin L so they could come face to face. Consequently, L regretfully tears his eyes away from the news footage crawling across the screens.

What he sees is Light, panting a little, veins practically popping off his forehead, pupils blown.

Everyone knows that a good liar hides parts of the truth within the lie to make it more believable.

L puts up his best deadpan smile. Just for Kira.

“No more than you.”

“You want me to be Kira, because you just hate losing, you bastard.” Light snarls, his eyebrows scrunched as his eyes shut in frustration.

It ranks as one of the top five most emotional times he’s ever witnessed Light Yagami, and it doesn’t feel like a purposeful lie. He’s been seeing a lot of those lately, a tornado of feelings all over the place that neither Light nor L for that matter know what to do with. Emotions are powerful but they’re messy, and L would much rather think with his brain and no other parts of his anatomy.

Because L does want Light to be Kira. He had to be, once upon a time. Whether or not he is still remains to be seen, because Light’s been off and the pattern to Kira’s killings has gotten stale and predictable and L becomes more and more convinced that Light Yagami has run himself into a dead end.

And yes, he does hate losing, because he hates being _wrong._ He makes mistakes, just like anyone, but not on cases this big. His gut doesn’t betray him, and sure, this case has a gallop more of the supernatural and the bizarre than his prior portfolio, but it doesn’t mitigate the fact that L gets it done.

Or he’ll die trying.

It’s that simple.

“Light-kun’s been speaking a lot of facts lately. Does he have something to prove with all this?” L presses on.

Apart from the obvious, which lays unsaid between them.

Light slumps back into his chair, shaking his head.

“I just, I don’t get you Ryuzaki.” Light sighs.

“Liar.” L sticks his fork in the last bite of cake, tilts his chin back, and drops it from above right into his open mouth. He chews it slowly, savouring the last of this slice. There are more in the fridge, but this is the last of this flavour. He’ll have to remember to get more ordered in.

He gulps it down, smacking his lips loudly.

“You know me better than anyone.” L admits, drilling holes into Light’s narrow gaze.

Light inhales quietly, and then:

“You missed a spot.”

He reaches out towards the corner of L’s mouth, and then stops just short of it, flinching. His arm is still suspended in midair, torn between two invisible barriers.

L doesn’t care for any of those tricks, and he doesn’t see the harm in telling Light so. One kiss cannot derail all of this. That would be ridiculous.

“Any physical affection between us will not lead me to be partial towards you as the prime suspect in the Kira case. It’s not a ground-breaking deception by any means Light-kun. If there is the evidence, I will not hesitate, legally gray or not.”

Light lets his thumb fall against where the whipped cream once was, smearing it off L’s cheek and into his own skin.

“You won’t dismiss yourself.”

“No. I won’t.”

Light leans in right up into L’s personal bubble and smiles, barely grazing against L’s lips.

“Okay.”

* * *

What L learns in the next few weeks is this.

Light is painfully aware of L’s belief that he is Kira. That much is a given. L’s never tried to hide it, but he doesn’t air it out loud because it serves no ulterior purpose. It’s evident that Light is obsessed with it, bringing it up every few days. It’s the same argument again and again, except each ensuing argument would result in each of them giving up a little bit more.

Light Yagami is Kira but he wants to convince L otherwise, that even if he was Kira in the past, he no longer is nor wants to be. He spends his nights not working the Kira case nor with Misa Amane, his stated lover, but deteriorating with L. In newly learned hollow kisses and tangled limbs, L finds Light’s truth, that it is a pretense to drag on with an end date in sight. He reads it not in words but frustrated growls against the curve of his shoulder, hypothetical questions scrawled across his ribcage. It is spelled out in harsh thrusts and bruises along hipbones, outlines of handprints around his neck and tear-soaked apologies that L can’t tell what for. He thinks Light likes it when his nails dig in, drags along his back, not quite pleasure not quite penance. There is an unspoken rule that everything is fair game until stated otherwise and L takes it as yet another battle, one he’s not willing to concede.

So, he stays silent and drowns in the essence of Light Yagami, who touches him to repent, to forget, although L can bring him neither of those things. He can only help Light remember, remember that this isn’t over, that while they can delay it in the moment and take temporary solace in each other, they are walking a burning tightrope.

Most nights, L falls asleep to sweat-slicked skin and heat beneath blankets that ripple through him harder than when they were chained together.

It doesn’t change anything except that maybe L feels his days replenish each night they spend together. It becomes less about L being on the brink of death as it is about Light fighting to be on the brink of living.

L notices that he isn’t as into the case as he used to be, not before Higuchi, not even before his imprisonment. It all adds up, that a breaking point has happened for his prime suspect, one that L does not know how to decipher. Because Light Yagami has always been complicated but never quite so contradictory. He watches L’s deductions about the case with attention but stops offering as many of his own. The current Kira’s actions aren’t sophisticated nor are they sloppy. There are no abnormal patterns like the Yotsuba case, only their run of the mill criminals.

Week after week, the numbers start to dwindle, until even L has to admit it’s hard to continue tracking Kira’s movements.

“He could just be laying low for a while.” Soichiro suggests.

L nods, even though he has a feeling it isn’t quite that. He remembers four nights ago, Light with one hand clutching onto his back, another curled around his dick, and how he had wondered aloud in the dark about the day they could put the Kira case behind them.

As if they ever could when it was the only thing holding them together.

Light’s eyes had glinted at the words of the trail going cold, even if his tone was that of disappointment. L had arched his back into the grip, the hope in Light’s eyes, and came wordlessly to the name Kira caught at the back of his throat.

“We should still keep watching, but if no new evidence shows up, no new deaths linked to Kira, then we’re stuck, aren’t we?” Light asks, stealing a glance in L’s direction.

Light Yagami was the first Kira. Misa Amane was the second Kira. Either of them could have been behind the actions as of late, but L can’t prove it beyond his hunch, not enough to prove in a court of law, not the way he needs to.

L looks back, scrunching his nose, lips pressed tight together, a perfect front.

“We would be stuck, yes.” L mutters.

He’d be stuck with a cold case, and that would _sting_. He had been ready to die for the cause because Kira according to his profile had guaranteed that he would not stop his self-proclaimed crusade for godhood.

For Kira to _stop,_ for it all to end, just like Light had pondered, it would be a twist in the pattern, a conscience sprouted out of nowhere, a path that didn’t end with L nor Light winning.

A stalemate.

L hates it.

* * *

“This is the last time.” Light says to him, eyelids heavy.

“You’re unilaterally deciding this now, hmm Light-kun?” L hums back, tilting up onto his elbows. Half of his face is covered in shadows, but L can still make out a glimpse of regret. L doesn’t know whether or not any of these faces are truthful anymore, not since Kira stopped killing almost a month ago, not since Light broke through his profile and gave him more to analyze than ever even as the task force’s existence plunges into wasteful territory.

Since the very beginning, L was convinced that Light Yagami must be involved in the Kira case, evolving into his firm belief that he was Kira himself. That didn’t change when he declared the man a friend, didn’t change when they started sleeping together for kicks, and it won’t change even if Kira decides to hang up his pen for another day.

Its relevance, however, skydives off a cliff if the case is about to be closed.

L didn’t care about fucking Kira before, and he sure as hell won’t care now.

So, what changed?

“Yeah.” Light sucks harshly on his left collarbone, not meeting his gaze anymore. “Misa won’t wait anymore.”

For someone who was supposedly in a committed relationship, it was the first time in a while that Light had brought up Misa Amane of his own accord. The setting could’ve been a bit better, but L didn’t kid himself in thinking this relationship was anything of the conventional sort.

“Wait for what?” L asks.

Light breathes the answer into his skin like a tattoo, a parting promise.

“Our future together.”

“Forgive me if I didn’t see that coming.” L responds. “This has been fun and all, but this is not how I imagined this ending.”

Light’s hands hook onto the elastic of L’s underwear, thumbing at the bony hip there, a practiced motion.

“You imagined me on my knees, hands cuffed behind my back, you staring down at me triumphantly?” Light laughs, hollowly as he pulls down the flimsy material. “Sorry to disappoint, but we can act that out again if you so incline.”

L shudders at the image, the power trip running through his veins again, how he had been turned on not at Light being brought to justice but simply Light put in his place, how he had lost.

“No, it could have ended a number of ways as we played this out. I did not realize you were still serious with Misa-san.”

“She’s been here for me for a long time. It’s about time I repaid the favour, don’t you think?”

“I don’t ever think about you and Misa-san, Light-kun.” L says dryly. “Your relationship is your own. It does not affect me.”

“So it isn’t because you’re jealous.”

Light sounds as if he’s teasing, and his hand follows its lead.

“Nothing to be jealous of. This was always going to be temporary.”

Because there was no future for the two of them. It was always going to end in death, if not tragedy, for either of them, for the world. The best part of all of it was getting to know someone who got him, who could compete with him on a level playing field, and the time they spent on the same side was probably the most exhilarated L had ever felt. It was better than cake, better than sex, potentially better than closing a massive case. L was never going to be able to keep that, not when that Light was only an illusion, not when Kira remains a shadow slipping through his fingers.

Even when Kira is supposedly gone, the case shut, L doesn’t think he’d be able to let Kira go. But he was always going to have to let Light Yagami go somehow, either with his own dying breath or with Light behind closed bars, the ghost of his ministrations and his brilliance something to be both treasured and lost.

The third option here was never one L took very seriously, for it to not end in tragedy of death or imprisonment, but of them parting paths with no real resolution.

Light hums in agreement.

“Ryuzaki, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

Light’s mouth lowers down, and L isn’t sure if it’s the vibrations against his cock or the words themselves that make his spine shake, his heart stuttering.

“For not being Kira. For ruining this for you. For giving up.”

Because he was Kira. Because he was bowing out and running away. Because for once, his plans did not pan out because the corruption of the Death Note had been absolute until it was wiped free and gave Light Yagami a do-over, one that had led him to a path he had not foreseen.

Light’s mouth is distracting as always, toe-curling, meticulous.

“What was the trade-off?” L gasps, eyes shuttered, lost in the unknowns of the case and the heat of the moment.

Light does not answer until he’s done, until L’s coming down from his high and Light is jerking hard and fast all over L’s chest.

“Once is once.” Light breathes back, heavily. “A life for a life.”

His for L’s, a stalemate that cuts off both their tragic tales.

“Was it worth it?”

L doesn’t expect an answer, but he gets one anyway.

“We can’t all get what we want, can we Ryuzaki?”

Light doesn’t stay the night, and he doesn’t return.

The case is shut down three days later.

* * *

There hasn’t been any Kira associated killings for almost three months, and the government collectively breathes a sigh of relief. The task force reconvenes one last time to call Light and Misa back to officially offer them an apology after the announcement is made official. It comes at Soichiro’s insistence, coming both from a place of guilt and relief.

Light walks in with Misa in tow, and the first thing L notices is a ring on her finger, huge and blinding. Light looks the same, although his expression shifts a little when he sees L squatting on a chair, his lips curling into a wistful little smile. On the other hand, Misa’s smile is much bigger, and she practically flashes the ring at L when she sees him.

“Look! We’re engaged!” She calls out, her entire face lit up.

“I see that. Congratulations.” L says.

He had suspected this was where they would end up given Misa’s character, and the other side had always hinged on Light. Light, who would never give an inch if it was not advantageous for him, who had given far more than an inch if he had indeed chosen to propose to Misa.

“Thank you Ryuzaki.” Misa winks. “Now was there something you wanted to say to us?”

L raises an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry for what you went through, but I won’t apologize for accusing you and Light-kun for being Kira. There was a lot of circumstantial evidence and just because the murders suddenly – ”

“ _Ryuzaki._ ” Soichiro hisses.

Right.

“Apologies for your troubles and thank you for your help during the case.” L says flatly, in a way he’s sure she can never tell is mostly insincere and bitter. “I wish you two a good life together.” He tacks on, though he can’t manage to make that sound any more sincere.

“Awh, that’s quite alright. I for one, am just glad it’s over and I can live out the rest of my life with Light!” Misa coos, her doting expression on full blast towards Light, grinning from ear to ear.

Light, who is perhaps the best liar L has ever encountered, fails to give her an equally loving look back. Of all things, L thinks he would have mastered _that_ by now.

“Thank you Ryuzaki.” Light says, as if that’s all he can offer, sealing the doors of the case with something so simple.

“We also thought you two might want to be around for this.” Aizawa cuts in.

“For what?”

L leaps off his chair and gestures for them to follow him.

They’re led to a vault, and L dangles a pair of keys out from his jean pockets between two fingers.

“Rem, are you still here?” He calls out.

As if planned, Rem appears behind Misa, nodding in affirmation.

“Good. Will you take this Death Note and leave the human world?”

Misa opens her mouth as if to say something, but Light taps her on the shoulder, and she closes it, curls into herself in silence.

Rem nods again.

“I will.”

L unlocks the vault, punches in a few numbers in the lockbox trapped within it and fishes out the thin notebook that has changed the trajectory of all of their lives. He picks it up gingerly between two fingers, and holds it up high in front of Rem, who takes it and bows, grateful.

“As much fun as this has been, please do not return to Earth or drop your belongings here ever again.” L says softly.

In Rem’s eyes, there is even a little bit of humour, and she gives one last curt nod before vanishing behind them.

* * *

“Staying behind to gloat?” L says. He unplugs something from beneath the desk and the screens that he’s stared at for months on end finally flicker to black, the room a lot dimmer for it.

“No, just to say goodbye. You’re leaving right?” Light replies.

“Yes. You’ve won Light-kun.” L murmurs. “There’s no evidence, and you’re free.”

“Free is a strange word Ryuzaki. Isn’t it colloquial to say marriage is yet another shackle?”

“You proposed to her.” L says with a little sniff. “You live with the consequences.”

“Yeah, I’ll live with the consequences. Of everything. It isn’t ideal, I know that.” Light says, pained.

L turns around on his heels, almost straightens himself to look at Light.

“I would have been okay dying by your hands, Kira-kun.” He says. “You once asked me if I was getting soft for you, but I think it’s clear now that it was really the other way around, wasn’t it?”

Light bends down, just enough so they’re on the same eye level, close enough for one last go.

“I suppose you’ll never really know now, will you L?”

L knows.

As certain as he is that Light Yagami is Kira.

As certain as he is that Misa Amane is the second Kira.

As certain as he is that they were always going to be temporary, but the moment a “they” existed, it was too late.

Kira always stood between them. It brought them together and it tore them apart and L knows it’s for the best for the world that Kira disappeared altogether.

He knows that Misa would have done anything for Light Yagami, killed for him – stopped killing for him. He supposes now, that she had done it for a price.

And even though he said Light had won because he evaded imprisonment, L too had evaded death. A life for a life.

Somewhere along the way, Kira fucked up, and instead, Light won out. He found a way to shut Kira out. It’s genius in its simplicity, the fact that Light bet that L will drop it and let them go, because in the grand scheme of things, it is better for the world that Kira is gone. So, L had complied, signed off on seeing two mass murderers go free.

Still, L hates losing.

Especially losing something he never really had in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing Death Note but I hope you liked it!  
> You can catch me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/silverinerivers) & read my other Death Note fics [here!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverinerivers/works?fandom_id=8774227s)


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